This morning I mourn the life that we leave, and the life that we are to enter.
My dear baby Enoch,
You slept peacefully in my arms last night. I woke up to you cuddled in my chest. You did not move an inch all night. You were in the same position we fell asleep in. It was almost like you knew I needed your comfort too.
My baby, I showered with you last night, soaping your beautiful little body and admiring it with no scars, no ports or lines coming out of it. I made sure to appreciate every moment of us in that moment knowing we won’t get to do this again for awhile until you get your new kidney. Today your sister is going to give you your last bubble bath until you get your new kidney. We’ll make sure you get to splash a little longer and bring any toy you want in there – even your brothers.
My baby, we took you to the waterpark yesterday because we knew it would be your last time to enjoy water for awhile. We pray that it won’t be long until God brings you your new kidney so that you can do your most favorite thing again soon. We know how much you love swimming and I wanted to make sure that you were able to have the whole day full of it.
My baby, there are so many things that people take for granted like being able to roll around without worrying about a port or line being pulled out or dislodged from your chest. Being able to take a bubble bath. Being able to shower. Swimming. All of these small things that most of us overlook and dont realize it is a priveledge to do.
My baby, I am so sorry for what you have gone through. I am so sorry mommy can’t protect you from what’s to come. It kills me each time I think about how your childhood is being stripped from you. We did our best to help you live your life as normal as possible, but it hasn’t been that way since you turned 1. The medication that we force you to take throughout the day. The injections we have to give you multiple times a week. Waking up at 5AM and the 4 hour round trips to the hospital for blood work and appointments all through the month. You haven’t lived a normal life since you were 1.
After sugery, I fear what your quality of life will be. To be hooked up to a machine for 3-4 hours after traveling for 2 hours, at least 3 times a week, just to keep you alive. I don’t know how we are going to do it, but Mama is going to do it with you and be with you every single day. Mama will never miss a day with you. I don’t care how tired or sick I am, I won’t abandon you. I know how scared you’ll be. I know how sick it may make you feel. I know how harsh it will be on your little body to go through dialysis. But my baby, this will only be temporary. God is going to give you your new kidney when it’s the right time. However short or long it takes, I need to remind myself that God is never late. He is always on time. He has the whole world in His hands and He is in control.
I will never understand why God chose you to go through this. But His plans are greater than ours. We need to trust in Him and know that He will see us through.
My baby, I wish we had more time. I wish we could have spent more of our days doing the things you won’t be able to do until God brings you your new kidney. I hope you had the best day ever swimming with us. I promise that as soon as you get your kidney and are cleared, mama will take you anywhere you want to go. As long as it’s safe, I will never say no to you.
Today we will cuddle a little longer. Today I’ll stare at your scarless body and take more pictures. I’ll rub your chest a little longer while you don’t have anything sticking out of it. We’ll make more videos and jump on the bed. Today we will celebrate YOU, because tomorrow both you and I will wake up in that hospital room together, absolutely terrified of the unknown and what’s to come.
My baby, I will continue to fight for you. I will continue to protect you. Even when I feel like I can’t do it anymore, I look at you and I remember why I need to keep pushing. Though I am completely broken and at my lowest, I see you and I remember you. Mama will never give up.
These pictures tell a big story. What may not be obvious to others, like that this will be the last time my baby does not have any scars or lines coming out of him. The joy and innocence on the exterior, but pain and discomfort inside. I can’t help but break down as I look at every inch of your little perfect body on the outside. I’m sorry my son. You didn’t deserve this.
God,
I pray that you help increase my faith. I pray that you help me to be strong for my son, and I pray that your Holy Spirit comfort all of us. I pray that you move in that place. I pray that you guide the hands of the surgeons to perfectly operate on my son with no errors. I pray that there be no complications. I pray that it be safe to sedate him. I pray that you allow him to wake up and be in no pain or discomfort. I pray that you give him another chance at life. I pray for a miracle.
I’m calling on the God of Jacob
Whose love endures through generations
I know that You will keep Your covenant
I’m calling on the God of Moses
The one who opened up the ocean
I need You now to do the same thing for me
For me, for me
O God, my God, I need You
O God, my God, I need You now
How I need You now
O Rock, O Rock of ages
I’m standing on Your faithfulness
On Your faithfulness
I’m calling on the God of Mary
Whose favor rests upon the lowly
I know with You all things are possible
I’m calling on the God of David
Who made a shepherd boy courageous
I may not face Goliath
But I’ve got my own giants
O God, my God, I need You
O God, my God, I need You now
How I need You now
O Rock, O Rock of ages
I’m standing on Your faithfulness
On Your faithfulness
O God, my God, I need You (I need You Lord)
O God, my God, I need You now
How I need You now
O Rock, O Rock of ages
I’m standing on Your faithfulness
On Your faithfulness
It’s your faithfulness I’m standin’ on
Never changes, never changes
You heard Your children then
You hear Your children now
You are the same God
You are the same God
You answered prayers back then
And You will answer now
You are the same God
You were providing then
You are providing now
You are the same God (You are the same)
You are the same God
You moved in power then
God, move in power now
You are the same God
You are the same God
You were a healer then
You are a healer now
You are the same God
You were a savior then
You are a savior now
You are the same God
O God, my God, I need You (lift it up)
O God, my God, I need You now (how we need You now)
How I need You now (we stand in faithfulness)
O Rock, O Rock of ages
I’m standing on Your faithfulness
Oh, on Your faithfulness
O God, my God, I need You
O God, my God, I need You now
How I need You now
O Rock, O Rock of ages
I’m standing on Your faithfulness
On Your faithfulness
On Your faithfulness, God
You’re faithful God
Jesus, You’re the same
Yesterday, today, and forever
You’re the same God (yes, You are)
You’re the same God
This is who we worship tonight
He’s the same God
How I need You
You freed the captives then
You’re freeing hearts right now
You are the same God
You touched the lepers then
I feel Your touch right now
You are the same God
I’m calling on the Holy Spirit
Almighty River, come and fill me again
(Let that be your prayer tonight)
Come and fill me again
(Come and fill me)
Come and fill me again
"Be still and know that I am God" 